ptsdsurvivordaily

Yesterday I had the distinct honor of attending the Robin Hood Veterans Summit on the Intrepid Sea, Air and Space Museum.

Robin Hood is the largest private poverty-fighter in New York City whose mission is to find, fund and cultivate the most effective poverty fighting methods and programs.  They have been called “venture philanthropists” and their initiatives include supporting the families of 9.11 in addition to helping returning Veterans.

The connection between the high rate of homelessness and previous generations of Veterans has further energized their efforts in an attempt to prevent our generation from ending up on the street (roughly 25% of all homeless in NYC are Veterans).

The Agenda for the day brought together panels with an impressive list of names .

By the time I reached the afternoon sessions I was exhausted.  I did my best to keep the tears to a minimum, but that sapped all my energy by the end of the day.

Back from the Battlefield: The Mental Health Crisis

Gayle King of CBS This Morning moderated the last panel of the day.  She did a fantastic job pulling and prodding the three panelists about various issues with Mental Health, specifically TBI and PTSD.

In one pointed exchange she asked if PTSD is curable.  I stiffened up to listen intently to the replies of each panelist.  Each one gracefully sidestepped the question without a definitive “No”, but not with a “Yes” either.

General Chiarelli, CEO of One Mind for Research , banged away on the drug companies for not releasing any new drugs in the past ten years to treat PTSD or TBI.

Barbara Van Dahlen, President of Give an Hour, emphasized the statistics that half (50%) of all Veterans never enter the VA.  While her foundation is making great strides in picking up some of the slack in private practice, there are huge swaths of Veterans receiving no treatment at all.

One thing the panel greatly emphasized: we are behind in treating Veterans as well as forming new techniques.

Big Data

At the end of the day, one recurring notion consistently infiltrated each panel.  When trying to substantiate the statistics, there is just not enough data.

There were encouraging highlights of research being shared.  Syracuse University is releasing a manual of best practices for hiring Veterans later this month.  But, in the end, ever changing data and only a few disparate snapshots are driving the thought behind treatment approaches and future studies.  And that study is about hiring Veterans, not their mental health treatment.

Longitudinal

That word was used a dozen times throughout the day.  In the grand scope of things, we have emphasized the treatment of PTSD, the signature wound of this war, for a short time.  Still, treatments formulated now are based upon old data.   Additionally, the long term formulation of new treatments is being hampered because the collection of data is either non existent or too fractured.  Again, there is not enough reliable longitudinal data.

Government 2.0 meet Web 2.0

In this day and age, where many people are connected, there must be a way to collect this data.  I would argue that there are probably untapped pockets of great data already.  Mining this information, formulating a clear picture and a subsequent plan of action should be a high, if not the top, priority for the treatment of PTSD.

We are battling many issues in collecting data: stigmas about the “Disorder”, many Veterans going off the grid, and a centralized repository of information that can be surveyed in a statistically significant manner.  If we are to make great strides in the treatment of PTSD and TBI, all of these issues must be tackled, and I would argue, not tackled in a vacuum or independent of one another.  I heard encouraging news about new initiatives and programs coming in the weeks and months.  Some of them include a start at organizing data.

I have many ideas, and I am working on a few of them.  For selfish reasons, I am more than happy to share.

Ok, these are DC Characters, but this shirt is hilarious

One of the greatest compliments I ever received sounded like this: “Dude, if I didn’t know about your wife and kids I would think you live in your parent’s basement.”  I’ve been a closet geek for decades, (okay actually been out for a while but that’s not the point).   I grew up reading about the superheroes that are now finally exploding onto the big screen.  Without a doubt my two favorites are the Green Lantern and Captain America.

This post is in response to a number of readers telling me the blog was a wee bit too intense.  So, in the spirit of “The Simpsons and Philosophy” and others, I will take a trip down a more lighthearted vein of reflection.

I know Marvel won’t need any more publicity this week. But, having spent lots of time in a basement, huddled around stack of comic books and twenty-sided die, I was not about to let my knowledge of super heroes, the release of this movie, and of course a spin about PTSD slip away.

So without further ado, here is my professional diagnosis (note: my psychology degree is about as real as they are… ) of the Avengers and their survival with symptoms of PTSD.

Hulk:

I’ll start this off with a layup.  One of my continuing struggles is with anger issues. The big green monster known as the Hulk epitomizes many veterans struggle with rage.  Although I cannot leap miles in a single bound it is similar to my struggles in that anger swirls into more anger eventually forgetting where I started.  My wife and I even have secret code for when I have “Hulk Days” where I fight to keep from unleashing anger.

How does the Hulk survive?

Amazingly enough many of the treatments the Hulk relies upon are very effective for combating PTSD. Bruce Banner, the Hulk alter ego, maintains a regimen of exercise, meditation, and when necessary medicine, both holistic and prescribed.  Unfortunately, even with all of his efforts sometimes the Hulk gets out.  But, as my therapist says, its ok to be angry when warranted.  The key is not leaving a path of destruction.

Thor:

A bit more complicated to diagnose, Thor is the Norse god of thunder.  So while he doesn’t have a God complex, after all he is a God, he does struggle with control issues. Despite wielding the power of his hammer and thunder and lightning he still cannot save everyone. It is a hard lesson to learn but even with all of that ability sometimes things are out of our control. When I was in the Army I strived for perfection in execution and preparedness. I hoped that all of that would create the luck needed to keep everyone alive.  Sadly, this world does not work that way. The “would have’s” and “could have’s “ in the end did not even matter because control is an illusion.

How does Thor survive?

Thor relies heavily on the understanding of his limits. He still puts forward a tremendous effort, but he does so with the understanding that some days even that will not be enough. Unfortunately, the reminders come with bitter letdowns and tragedy, yet his solace resides from his inner reflection and commitment to his friends.

Iron Man:

Despite oozing with talent and intelligence, Tony Stark often gets sidetracked and derailed because of his addiction to alcohol.  It enhances his underlying depression and his own insecurities about how he is viewed.  His best work is done when he is focused on the task at hand and sober.  Maybe someday I will be able to say otherwise, but I have completely given up alcohol and drugs in order to combat my symptoms and stay healthy.  The side effect of all of the other medications combined with alcohol was too much to enable me to be productive.  I have instead switched my energy to physical fitness and therapy.  I would challenge those who are dealing with their own PTS to skip the booze for a while and really focus on getting healthy.

How does Iron Man survive?

Iron man has built a tremendous support network around him. When he slips or falters he knows that the people he has invested in, who are aware of his demons, will help him come back stronger.  I have leaned heavily on the scaffolding I was lucky enough to have in place when I left and when I came home.  For me, it was a main contributor to my survival.

Captain America:

What Soldier doesn’t want to embody at least some of the character of Captain America? In terms of fictional heroes, the Star Spangled Crusader is on the top of the list.  His strong moral courage, both before and during the war are exemplary stories of heroism.  But, after Cap fights his last battle and is trapped in ice for 60 years, the world he returns to has passed him by.  It is alien.  He struggles to see through all of the changes and how he can make a difference now that his war is over.  Ultimately, it is his strong character that strengthens his resolve to continue to make a difference.

How does Cap survive?

I know when I returned home the battlefield felt more normal than the streets of the US.  I had a dismal outlook of the US having lived in an inherently dangerous place for a prolonged period of time.  Everyone walking around without a care in the world, or at least my perception of it, made me frustrated.  I imagine Captain America felt similarly as he re-integrated.  Where I constantly looked for a weapon that I long since handed to an armorer, Captain America famously had to adjust to Germans living among us who were not the enemy.  Captain America relies upon his solid set of beliefs and his moral compass to continue to fight for what is right.  He exercises, meets with his friends, and leads from the front to effectively stay balanced and moving forward.

ASSEMBLE!

In the end, the team that is the Avengers feed off of each other to create balanced and networked support.  My team is my family and friends, my therapist, and this blog.  I hope you enjoyed this interlude from the “heavy” stuff.  I am lucky enough to have a friend that invited me to a pre-screening of the Avengers Wednesday night, but I am still going to see the movie on Thursday AM for IMAX 3D too…  Have a great week everyone!

This latest blog post is about a different kind of continuing struggle: finding the right therapist.  I am keyed in with a new guy now and I am confident and comfortable in his office. But, it was not always that way…

Just happy (or not) to be here…

I think a lot of times when a new Veteran enters the VA system, or a therapists office, they are initially just so happy to be getting help.  A weight is lifted when you can finally feel like the person you are going to dump your problems on is a willing participant.  But with one major obstacle overcome, more are waiting to smack you right in the face:  Trusting your therapist, establishing boundaries, learning that your therapist is not a wizard but more a sounding board for you to work it out yourself.

It is not until a little ways down the road that a Veteran has enough experience to question “is this therapist right for me?” or “am I putting in the time and effort required?”  Here is my disclaimer up front: I am not endorsing kicking your Doc to the curb at the first bump in the road, nor am I saying that I was correct in the way I dealt with my former therapists.  But, I am saying that the right fit and learning the approach will save a lot of time and heartache.

Trust Issues Everywhere

Part of therapy for PTSD is relearning how to trust.  I would argue one of the most immediate and significant trust hurdles begins the moment you walk through your therapists door.  Some of my most serious setbacks, avoidance of therapy, and general deflection of the real issues came at the expense of my therapist at the time.

When I relocated to New York I was ushered into the VA system where there is an abundance of new interns cutting their teeth on us juicy veterans.  My first encounter with an intern went poorly to say the least. The lack of therapy I received was my fault.  I was eventually overwhelmed by the stress of trying to go through cognitive processing therapy, trying to work, and being away from my family. But I can point to that first failed attempt and isolate the cause directly to my approach with my therapist.

The “You must be joking” moment…

I remember walking through the door and thinking “is this bring your daughter to work day?” Then, when she introduced herself as my new therapist I immediately thought “there is no way this woman can help me. There is no way she will ever understand what I went through.  I am a combat veteran. I led men her age into hell. SHE IS NOT A VETERAN. What can she help me with?”

I cannot emphasize this enough THAT IS THE WRONG APPROACH.

THE.

WRONG.

APPROACH.

First, going in with an open mind is an imperative. Second, and just as important, the life experience of your therapist is not proportional to the amount of help that you will get. The therapist is there as an instrument. All of the hard work, and the positive gains, come from within.

I wasted the next two sessions grilling her and questioning how she could help me.  I eventually stopped going halfway through the writing exercises in cognitive processing.  I wasted time and energy.

Here we go again…

One of the reasons I gave the VA for stopping therapy was the time commitment in the middle of the day. I said that with everything I am juggling, I could only go in the evenings. Shortly thereafter I was contacted by another therapist within the VA who had evening hours.  I wanted to be committed, or at least give the impression I was committed, so I showed up on that first day.  I still had not learned from my first encounter.

I walked into a slightly older clone of the previous intern.

“Oh good, her aunt works here too…”

I started this new first session with the same barrage of questions I had for the previous therapist. It’s funny looking back, and I say this with a smile, but she took me apart like a shotgun that day.  She cut through all my bullsh!t insecurities, established professional boundaries, and dug out all the issues I had with the last therapist.

My tiny therapist who could double as the president of sorority in a B movie saved my life.

Over the next 2 1/2 years under her guidance I finished cognitive processing therapy and prolonged exposure therapy. She adjusted my approach to getting help for myself.  It took time, and on occasion some steps back, but the results without question are positive.  But, once again, as the title states: it’s all in the approach.

Disclaimer: No, this is not about AMC’s Walking Dead or their after show Talking Dead.  Just read and you will get it.

I got hooked in with a new therapist at my local Vet center.  I am still adjusting to a different style and some new techniques. My new guy wasted no time diving at the core of the rats’ nest of emotions from my deployments.  The past two sessions we have been talking a lot about regret and how I still carry things to this day.  It is hard to let go. I had been much more focused on my therapy but over the past eight months since I moved away from the VA system (after completing Cognitive Processing Therapy and Prolonged Exposure Therapy) I could feel the weight coming back.

Taking out the sledgehammer

So my new doc and I are chatting a bit, reviewing some details of deployments and how I was feeling. I could tell he was starting to steer the topics with specific questions, when he stood up and said, ”I want you to try something.”

He had guided the conversation about a particular soldier that we lost.  He repositioned the chair in the corner to opposite and in front of me and pointed to it saying , “He sitting right there. Talk to him. Tell him what you would’ve told him.  What you want to tell him.”

There was no one in the chair but I swear it felt like a sledgehammer knocked down the last little bit of defense I was clinging to. I broke down and just thought about a million things.  When I regained my composure I could feel him there.  I was calm and I started to talk to him.  (paraphrasing now)

“I’m sorry I never did this sooner. I want you to know how proud I am of you. You are good soldier and a better person and not a day goes by that I don’t think about you.  I was a only a few blocks away when you’re killed and I still wrestle with the guilt. All the things you wanted to be, a Ranger, a Green Beret, I know you could have done it.  I have thought a lot about what you would be doing now had things been different.  I know I would be just as proud of you.  Until I sat in this chair and thought about it, I had never realized that you went probably one of the exact ways you wanted to go.  You went fighting with us against them. Wherever you are, know that you made me a better leader and a better person and you still do to this day.  I will not forget you.  I love you.”

It was exhausting.

And then, as the technique goes, I switched and sat in his chair. I imagined myself sitting in the opposite chair and thought of what I would have heard from him.

I hear from my old soldiers now and then.  This is not gloating, but they say that they were honored to serve with me. The feeling is completely mutual.  But until I imagined my soldier saying it to me I had a real hard time accepting the words of the living because I wanted to hear it so badly from the dead.   As I ran through our conversation, I finally started to believe what others had said to me.

A new wall and lighter

By the end of the session I could feel the weight lifting from my soul. I still carry many feelings, but sitting from a slightly different perspective has made all the difference.  There is still much work to do but my pack is lighter and I will carry on.  My next assignment is a letter and I haven’t decided if I will share it here or not.   Either way, I am dedicated to the long haul on this journey.

Gone but not forgotten.

Things are going pretty good lately. Of my New Year’s resolutions, I am achieving my weight loss, I’ve knocked out one acrylic painting, (Batman and Robin swooping in) my wife and I are communicating well and I’m finally feeling like I’m hitting my stride with work. My symptoms of PTSD seemed to lessen.

I’ve had this feeling before. I thought things were way behind me in the rearview mirror only to realize they were in my backseat. It doesn’t take much to trigger the emotions of combat. A news article, something on TV, and even off hand comments can remind me of memories as a Veteran I would rather avoid.  The easy diagnosis is an immediate trigger and switch you can put a pin into and say, “It was that damn car backfiring.”   But sometimes, the shavings make the pile.  Either way, it’s always there.

So after weeks of managing symptoms and trying to maintain a positive outlook, today I unfortunately took step back.  (I mean we really didn’t think Jeremy Lin would play like that all season right? Well, neither could my string of great moods.)  So, in that light, today must be looked at as just part of the process.

I started this morning as I have for the past few weeks: I went to the gym. While there, the regular crowd struck up conversation and the Army and Afghanistan came up in conversation. I can tell benign stories about my Army experience and I am usually am pretty good at deflecting from the darker topics to a canned lighter story.  But this morning, I actually asked not to talk about it.  I had not done that in a very long time. The way I have survived this long, in my opinion, is by taking things head on.  The day started to take shape and I could tell my skills were dull.

My realization that I was avoiding the conversation came on a good date. I actually had an appointment with my local Vet Center and I am now tied back in to a group.

When I walked through the Vet Center door it was apparent how much I had been neglecting my toolkit. I had tried group before.  Unfortunately, I had not established enough tools and it was a miserable failure for me. It kicked up more dirt and left more unresolved issues.  It was not as though group was bad, I just wasn’t prepared.

As I walked through the front door I got a queasy feeling almost instantly.  The memories of leaving group frustrated and angry came back. When I got into the new screening and started to recap it my experiences, the memories I revisited over and over in Cognitive Processing and Prolonged Exposure felt more tender than when I was in regular therapy.  I am learning new things all the time.  This was a new thing.

When things are going bad it is easy to reflect on what you need to improve upon. But sometimes the real danger comes from being complacent. I resigned myself early on in my journey that PTSD is something I would have to wrestle with for a long time.  Today was a taste of what complacency can do if I am not careful.  I went too long without checking in. I pushed everything just below the surface and a series of little things built up into one big thing.

I let the shavings make the pile, but on this road, I cannot forget to continue to keep sharp.  I remember a Ranger Instructor  in Florida (Bubba knows who) who would continually ask us a question, “What is the number one killer of Soldiers?” All of us had to give a resounding answer, “Complacency.”

Time to sharpen up.

I gave this talk at the Metropolitan Club last night while accepting an award from the Daughters of the American Revolution for VeteransAid. Thanks to Anu Bhagwati, Mike Erwin, and John McDaniels (sorry John, I work with a Tim Daniels and when I didn’t have the second page of my speech, Tim came out…)  You can check out their awesome Veteran organizations in the links below.

Service Womens Action Network

Wounded Warriors in Action

Team Red White and Blue

Special thanks to Sarah for manning the camera.  Sorry about the audio.  Enjoy!

Courtesy of Tom Miale notafoodie.com @tmiale

The New York Football Giants just celebrated their Superbowl victory down the canyon of heroes.  (Full disclosure, I am a HUGE Gmen fan) With the football super stars getting beautiful floats, a parade into Manhattan, and a key to the city, there have been some grumblings from certain Veteran groups that cities across America should honor Iraq War Veterans with a parade.

I could not disagree more.

Ok, besides my affection (or lack there of) for parades (see this post), I think there are a few valid reasons why cities, especially New York, should not have a parade to commemorate the end of the conflict in Iraq or “honor those Veterans”.

First, there is still conflict in Iraq.  It is not stable, civilians are still dying in scores, and although there are no longer formal operations, I would be willing to bet there are a few US agents hanging around making things happen (or not happen).  For their sake, is it really a message we want to send to the world?  Oh, by the way, we still have a war going on in Afghanistan.

A Conversation

America: hey, um Iraq you got a minute?
Iraq: well, im kinda busy, but I can spare a few, what’s up?
America: so, um, i know we like came in here and kinda tossed some stuff around for a while, but we have really been working hard to put it back together…
Iraq: uh huh…
America: and since we are now “out” of your country, I was wondering if you would mind if we throw a celebration…
Iraq: <interrupting America> celebration? like a little dinner party?
America: I was thinking more like a parade… in every major city in America.
Iraq: just get out…

Second, there really isn’t a continuing precedence for having a parade after a war.  If we throw out World War II, there has not been a parade. (And in the case of World War II, peace actually broke out…) With Korea, Vietnam, Panama, Grenada, the first Gulf War, was there a parade in NYC to commemorate the end and withdrawal?  Nope.  No lobbying for this type of parade, which brings me to my next and final point.

Finally, we already have two parades a year across the country.  They are held on Memorial Day and Veteran’s Day.  If you want to put emphasis in those parades on Iraq Vets, I’m cool with that (incidentally, this is the 50th anniversary of the start of the Vietnam war, if anyone deserves some long overdue thanks, its those Vets, but again, I digress)  In a time when our economy is struggling and budgets are being hacked and slashed to death, do we really need to burden cities with another event, and possibly an unsubsidized one at that?  New York has a parade in November every year.

Let’s cool down this whole throw Iraq Vets a parade noise.  We as a Veterans community and nation have bigger things to work on.  I would rather the same effort be directed into job training and services for homeless Veterans.  How about put the attention towards reducing unemployment for all Veterans, not just Iraq and Afghanistan Vets?

To me, this is a self interested cause drummed up by a few groups seizing a media opportunity and ignoring all the reasons NOT to do a parade.

But, I am a bit biased.  I don’t like parades… or wasting resources best used elsewhere… or unfinished business.

If you have ever been to a trade show, the vendors always hire beautiful people to stand in the aisles and shuttle in business.  Fit, glowing and most importantly, persistent, the “Booth Bunnies” are the equivalent of the opposing forces setting up an ambush, and at times that involves breaking into your personal space.  I understand it is their job, but getting to the level of understanding has made me pause more than a few times.

Hi Ho

I have not blogged much about work and PTSD.  Truth be told, I can work from anywhere I can get internet access.  My house has internet access.  You do the math.

For my PTSD treatment it has been an invaluable asset to be able to work from home most days.  I can clip along getting work done from my computer, meet with my team through web conferences or video chat, and feel safe and secure all day long.  I have my routine down for being productive.  (A similar routine, when I started therapy and took my first shot at going back to work, kept me going… but I digress)

The past two days I have been trekking into Manhattan to meet with industry folks face to face.  I used to dread leaving my house and driving.  Now, while I don’t like it, I can manage it.

Prolonged Exposure Tool Kit

Since completing Prolonged Exposure, I have been able to ride the subway, drive around in rush hour traffic, and manage being in crowds.  I have been able to do all of this with lower levels of anxiety and less emotional swing than before I started the therapy.

A key to achieving the lower SUDs (Subjective Unit of Distress) levels is to ride out the uncomfortable peak while taking copious mental notes.  The more you do it, the better you get at riding the wave.   When I started PE and listed out my SUDs for different activities, I was a cranky (an understatement) homebody who avoided any place that exposed me to uncomfortable situations.  Now, I am still cranky, but I get out more.  At the completion of my PE training, I confidently relisted my SUDs at less than half the previous level.  Prolonged Exposure worked for me.

Back to the Convention Floor…

I am a fast walker, or at least, I walk with purpose.  Even when I wander it is usually from point to point.  If I stop, I try and get close to a wall that can stop a bullet with nobody behind me.  Habit?  Ummm… yeah.

Approaching the convention center I began to feel uneasy.  There were a lot of people outside and it was raining, so I surmised that inside was going to be a mad house.

It was.

Car Bombs in the Square

Thinking like a terrorist is unfortunately part of the training.  I look at a group of people and I think about the bomber wearing a vest of C4 and ball bearings.  I look at most things as targets.  Unfortunately from experience, large groups of people equal easy soft targets.

I have mentioned in the past (the Aftermath) that one particularly grueling event was a suicide carb bomb that detonated in a market square.  We opened our gates and a flood of wounded Iraqis swamped our camp.  I have experienced first hand the effects of a suicide bomber.  I don’t want to a repeat encounter.

In Iraq, we also had a main gate where we hired locals to work on our camp.  Each morning they would crowd and we were constantly shifting and spacing to minimize the effectiveness of an attack on a soft target.

For more reasons that this, I still look at groups of people as dangerous.  I look at the subway the same way.  When I first got back I did not want to go near crowds because it seemed probable that the only thing that would result from them was bad and I had no way to control it.  As my exposure and treatment has progressed, I have been able to assimilate back into accepting crowds.

But, I still go through my mental checks of exits, preparedness of an emergency and with the conclusion of Prolonged Exposure, riding that initial wave of uneasiness and getting back to business.

Booth Bunny Bombardment

As I traversed the main floor of the convention center I moved from place to place dodging the distracted cell phone walkers and avoiding the booth bunnies.   The uneasy feeling came and I embraced and explored it.  Since this was a work call, I had to take the time to get right and get focused.

I am proud to say that I leaned heavy on my therapy and made it through.  I was able to be productive, meet with the important clients and vendors, and had a successful convention.  But those booth bunnies, with their hand barcode scanners like phasers from Star Trek, still caught me once or twice.

No shit there I was, a freshly minted Executive Officer for an Infantry Company.  I had reached the big time.

Iraq, since the national Army evaporated leaving behind piles of unguarded ammunition and weapons, was the wild west.

We rode fast with our doors off.  IED?  What the f*ck is an IED?

The rules of engagement were just starting to get attention.  We were pretty much weapons free for anything, and I mean anything, that looked like a threat or suspicious.

Hearts and Minds? Not at this point.  We were still waiting for the Iraqi people to rush the streets and throw flowers at us…

Where was I?  Oh yeah, my big time job.  X to the mother f-ing O.

“Hey Sir, Red platoon just engaged to suspicious characters.  They had weapons and started to run.  Two KIA. Battalion wants us to pick them up.”

“XO.” My commander boomed.  “B-team.” He shouted.  The code word for a crappy mission.

Yep. The big time.

I actually had to hear the first part a second time because I was made awake from a heavy sleep by the midnight to five shift Radio Telephone Operator (RTO).

“Huh?”

“We need you to take the 5-ton truck and pick up the bodies.”

Always bring bags

I have retold this story to my therapist hundreds of times.   In my Imaginal Exposure, this was one of my events.  For the sake of time, I will abbreviate.

I grabbed a medic another Soldier from the HQ Platoon and we drove out to the bodies with an escort section of Bradley Fighting Vehicles.

No moon, no up-armor, just night vision and the hum of Armored vehicles.

The first KIA was a little ways up the road.  He had bullet holes from head to toe and was in a large pool of thick red blood.

(Did I mention we didn’t have body bags?  Oh yeah, that.  We ran out a few months back and were forced to use tarps…)

The few ground troops got with the HQ guy, wrapped up the first KIA, and put him on the back of the truck.

The second KIA was a little farther up the road.  He was a big man.  Had to be two hundred and fifty pounds.  He was hunched over and also lying in his own pool of blood.

[Quick Aside]

Under the laws of the Geneva convention (I am paraphrasing here) , once you engage an enemy and they are wounded and you take their weapon, they are now an enemy combatant and subject to medical treatment and POW status.  You own them.

Back to business

We roll the giant man over to get him ready to put on the tarp only instead of being dead, he starts screaming, moaning and gurgling.

Like many times in combat, the initial report was wrong.

He was not going to live.  One third of his head was missing.  The horror is of this realism of war is still with me to this day.

I wanted nothing more than to finish him.  It would be easy, just cap him.

So there I was, new XO, with everyone looking at me.

What did I do?

I turned to the medic and said, “I don’t care if you have to scoop his brains back in his head.  Put a bandage on him; we are taking him the to the aid station.”

I was the beginning of a very long day.

Marines and Urine

If you have seen the news today, you probably saw the outrageous and despicable conduct of Marines urinating on the dead bodies of Afghan insurgents.

This whole scenario makes me sick.  The story above was my first encounter with the dead, but it was certainly not my last.  I have to think hard to remember all of my encounters handling bodies.  I lost track.  At one point that very five ton was nicknamed “The Hearse”.  Think about that for a second…

Deceased insurgents, civilians, and a fellow Soldier all came under my guidance at one point or another.

Many still stop in from time to time.

I have been enraged at the loss of a comrade.  On one raid we discovered a cache of beheading propaganda videos and the knife used to execute a civilian.  It made my blood boil that these men were terrorizing the local population.

But, we were the role models to the population.  The shining beacons on the moral high ground.  This behavior is beneath us.  They dealt in terror.  We dealt in justice.

This is a sad day for our Armed Forces.  There is no good reason for any of this.  The damage these Marines have caused is great and will shake out over the coming weeks, months, and even years.  I hope they all receive the sternest discipline available.

We all know how high the stakes are in combat.  This is a failure in leadership and should be dealt with swiftly and strongly.

A Ranger School Student conducting a tactical crossing during Jungle Phase, courtesy Stars and Stripes.com

To get off my absentee blogging snide I am going to bang out this quick post and share some of my goal setting for this New Year.

My philosophy of goal setting was shaped by the Center for Enhanced Performance and their curriculum. The CEP is now Army wide and expanded their message to help Soldiers, Officers and DA Civilians at all levels.

So, here are a few points of the philosophy:

1. Write ‘em down. My head has been a mine field for the past six years. Any goal that I think I set, and is not written down has the potential of being warped or forgotten.
2. SMART: Specific, Measurable, Action focused, Realistic, Time Bound. All of these help shape the statement so that it if I ask a question when in a few months “Did I do this?” it is a Boolean response. Yes or No.
3. It is a living document. If you write a whole bunch of stuff down, tuck it in your bookshelf and look at it next New Year’s save yourself the time and paper and just don’t do it.
4. Be brutally honest with yourself and your capabilities. It is my document. If I write down a whole bunch of stuff and a) I don’t believe it and b) it is unrealistic, I am just wasting my time. Stand naked before the Gods and look deep within yourself. Reach far, but keep your feet on the ground. There is nothing that says you cannot pull yourself up to the next level, plant your feet, and reach again.

An Example: My New Years resolution was to be lighter on New Years Day than I was at Thanksgiving.

See how that works? I did not wait until New Years to set a goal. I have been setting goals all along. I just used New Years as a milestone. Also, I can answer the question “Was I lighter on New Year’s Day than I was at Thanksgiving?” with a resounding “Yes.” (pretty proud of that… btw.)

So, here are my goals under the Mental and Physical Health Section of my priorities. These will be posted in my office and periodically evaluated ( I like to do quarterly.)

A Veteran who is Mentally and Physically Strong

Action Statements
I eat healthy controlled portions keeping my caloric intake under 2300 per day.
I exercise everyday for at least 30 minutes.
I attend group at least twice a month and take my medicine daily.
I weigh 195 pounds by August 19th 2012.
I write in my blog at least once a week.
Believe Statements
I have the strength to stick to my diet and exercise plan.
I am determined to maintain my healthy lifestyle.
I have the necessary mental skills to maintain a healthy and positive outlook.

I will revisit this in a later blog post in a few months

If you are interested in reading more about the process or downloading a Goal Setting worksheet, visit http://csfprep.army.mil/home.php/Home to learn more about ACEP and http://csfprep.army.mil/home.php/Resources for the MRT-C workbook.

Happy New Year… Suckers. ☺